idle sophistry

my boy

2010-12-16T19:23:00.000-07:00

Love at first sight.

Thanksgiving

2010-10-11T10:32:00.002-06:00

I surprised my mom on Friday, and she surprised me back yesterday. I am thankful for the tremendous ability of parents to love their children, even if they don't understand them. =)

Engaged!

2010-09-15T10:23:00.002-06:00

We got engaged in Oahu, HI on September 10. Sunset on the beach, what more could a girl ask for? =) It was picture perfect as if staged on a movie set. And there were fireworks that night.

Plan is for a Toronto wedding next fall, with an Edmonton reception to fall. Save the date!

Last Day

2010-09-03T20:54:00.002-06:00

I finished my last day as a defence lawyer today, as a friend of the court in the afternoon, no less. One week of Honolulu, one week of rest, awaits before 'going to the dark side'. I am emotionally drained from this decision, and so no tear was shed today. I wish I could say that I am excited to be a prosecutor, but mostly I just want the rest right now.

waiting on my world to change

2010-08-12T20:24:00.002-06:00

I have about 3 weeks left in my firm. People are asking how I am feeling, and whether I am excited about my new job (starting in about 5 weeks). How do I explain this? How can I be excited about leaving a place that's basically my home for the last 2 years, where I spend 11 hours a day at least, and still, by choice, hang out with the people there after hours? That I don't really feel like I have a choice about leaving, and the situation was made difficult by things beyond my control, but that I still don't hold any ill will over anyone there? That I hope I can go back there some day, but not make that sound pathetic?

There is a new and exciting job waiting for me in September, but I fear that's all it will be - a job. It wouldn't be like this; something that I define my very self by. It just won't be the same.

2010-07-31T08:20:00.001-06:00

I have been a lawyer for one year. (more reflections later)

choices

2010-07-03T23:16:00.003-06:00

Career-wise, I am at a crossroad. I know that these decisions seem insignificant in retrospect, but always looms larger than life at the time you are trying to pick a path. For the past two years, I am been a criminal defence lawyer. Well, one year as an articling student, and one as a lawyer. Now, due to changes in Legal Aid and internal staffing uncertainty (read: maternity leave), I have been offered a 6 months extension on my previous one year contract. It feels like a 'please find something else' kind of offer, although I understand the position of the firm. So I looked elsewhere, and had two prospects: another defence firm, or the Crown Prosecutor's office.

I have nothing ideologically against working for 'the other side', but what's hard is that I feel like the decision is being forced upon me by circumstances, by the fact that I am a woman and wants to have kids soon, and by the fact that everyone seems to like to think that I'd be a good 'Crown'. In no small part because as a woman and a visible minority, I get the double whammy of PC advantage, especially in Alberta, especially in criminal law, especially in government. So it all seems like a good idea, so why don't I stop trying to do something different and just go?

Working for the government was what I wanted to do after school. I interviewed at countless departments but wasn't offered a job. So now I should be overjoyed, right? So why am I not? Civic service was instilled in me young.

Then on Canada Day, I see hundreds of people waving flags, and I am filled with love for this country. So I know that wherever I end up, I will be contributing to this beautiful place that I am blessed to be living in.

I'm okay

2010-06-05T21:28:00.002-06:00

It's been a crazy week, month, season, but I'm okay. My dad is visiting me for a month, and I am sucking up as much fatherly affection as I can from the previous 7 year absent. However we each walk those roads, we have made it to this place, and we can be together, content. It's an incredible feeling. What is the point of dwelling on past disappointments or regrets, when we have tomorrow to live?

My job hangs on a tenuous thread, but that's going to be okay too. Because this is life, and we have to live it, and I don't intend on living it in fear or yesterdays.

Cold Lake

2010-04-07T21:47:00.002-06:00

Due to, well, as series of events, I woke up at 6am and drove to Cold Lake for Court this morning. The matter I was dealing with was a bar fight at Legends. Either you get that, or you don't. ;)

In the middle of my submissions in court, the fire alarms went off. Yes, my eloquence actually brought down the house! Well, okay, there was no fire, but we all had to wait outside. The Courthouse is right across the street from the A&W, at the tip of the road that leads to the base. So I stand there in the warm sun, and reflect one how I got there. Twelve (twelve!) years ago, I arrived at Cold Lake for the first time, with no idea where it was, geographically. It didn't occur to me to look it up before leaving for camp and staying there for six weeks. I was 16, we were picked up at Trenton and flown directly to base; it never occurred to me to worry. If you had told me then that I would be a criminal defence lawyer right down the road there 12 years later... I don't know what I would have thought.

The place has an emotional pull on me that really nothing else does. Secretly I think all my life I have just wanted to be the best SLC staff I can be. That work ethic is remarkably transferable. I am grown up, but I will never forget where I have been.

2010-03-22T19:51:00.000-06:00

some days, I feel like the worst lawyer in the world.

fever pitch

2010-02-22T02:20:00.003-07:00

A commonly, if jokingly, asked question of criminal lawyers is "how do you sleep at night?" I find that sleep eludes me now, not because of conscience prickling, but of the constant worry that I am not doing the right thing for my clients. That worry, coupled with job insecurity, has reached an almost fevered pitch lately, making the days trouble the night, and the night plagues the day. They say that the first year, first 3 years, first 5 years of practice are the hardest, and that it doesn't get easier, but you learn to deal with the stress. I sure hope so.

Otherwise things have been splendid.

Los Angeles

2010-01-24T21:43:00.001-07:00

I just came back from visiting my sister in L.A. with my boyfriend.

We grew up.

Happy New Year

2010-01-02T10:32:00.001-07:00

High hopes for 2010!

Christmas tree

2009-12-07T15:09:00.003-07:00

"I haven't put up a Christmas tree since the year my father died." and my heart broke a little. That was 15 years ago, that his dad died. How does one live without a Christmas tree for so long?

This past weekend was home reno/deco madness. In preparation for his bar admission this Friday, we had to make our new place afterparty-ready. So it was a a flurry of lights, furniture, stockings, liquor, etc shopping for the past two day, post-blizzard with 20cm of snow on the ground. Fun.

Moving is stressful, but we've been managing pretty well. I love having our own place. And from now on, we are going to have a Christmas tree every year.

2009-11-08T12:18:00.002-07:00

I am starting to feeling like I sort of know what I am doing at work. I had an exceptionally productive week, and I feel that I can do this. Maybe.

Moving into the new place in 2 weeks. I am so excited to have a place to call 'home' after so many years of nomadic life. I haven't lived in a non-rental residence/apartment/camp for more than 10 years. It will be nice to 'settle down', so to speak.

One year anniversary coming up, and I am whisking him off on a secret weekend getaway. His bar call will be in December, and then I will officially be dating a lawyer =) Planning to spend our Christmas in the new house; maybe go away in Feb/Mar instead, when we really need to get away from the cold.

My cousin is coming to visit me in Feb with his wife and new baby.

There is so much to look forward to, and life is wonderful.

Thanksgiving

2009-10-12T19:10:00.002-06:00

Just returned from a whirlwind trip to Toronto. Left Wed night, arrived at midnight, mom picked me up from the airport. Then spent Thursday packing all the stuff that I will be shipping to Edmonton. Met my cousin's new baby, Anderson, and he slept in my arms for 40 minutes. Of course I didn't move my arms for the entire duration, for fear of awaking him up. Met bf's brothers. Friday morning, dropped off all the to-be-shipped stuff at the moving company's, drove into McMaster to pick up my cousin to be home for the long weekend. Then, to Mississauga to attend Tasneem's mehendi ceremony, in which I got a little henna done too. Dim sum Saturday morning, a bit of shopping, and then to Taz and Jim's wedding banquet. It was just perfect. The speeches were sweet, funny and time limited. There was a kissing game in which guests have to demonstrate how they would like the couple to kiss, and one pair of guest turned that into a Bollywood short. It was also a reunion of sorts of all the Mac people I haven't seen since graduation, six years ago. I can't believe it's been six years. Church on Sunday at St. James' Cathedral downtown, and then two Thanksgiving dinner. Flew back this morning.

There was a moment, as we stepped into the cathedral, when I realized that I could go to the ends of the earth with him. It was a shocking realization, but beautifully so. But then it also hit me how very much I miss Toronto. So I am terrified now that the day will come when I will have to make that choice: to be with him here or to be with my family there. He is adamant that he will not move back to Toronto. It's like playing the biggest game of chicken.

But for now, we have bought a townhouse that we are moving into just one month. I've booked plane tickets for a surprise weekend getaway for our one year anniversary weekend. It's snowing in Edmonton but things are good; very good. I will let tomorrow worry about itself, if I can just stop feeling homesick. But for a family that I miss, a man that I love, and a job that I enjoy, I am thankful.

This is My Life

2009-09-13T14:31:00.002-06:00

I have been a lawyer for just a little over a month now. It is very stressful, and most of the time I don't know what I am doing, but I do feel like I have the means to figure it out, at the very least a sincere desire to do my best. I intend to be very good at this. I just need to learn how.

I will be moving again soon (in Edmonton), but I am thrilled about it. I want all the details to be confirmed before making the big announcement. Stay tuned. =)

Life is good.

Love the One You are With

2009-08-18T21:31:00.001-06:00

All this defies reason, explanation, or rationalization.

now it starts

2009-08-09T12:51:00.001-06:00

I am gripped by a paralyzing fear about returning to work tomorrow. I have been called to the Alberta bar, a real barrister & solicitor of the province. Now, I just have to concentrate on not screwing up.

It's terrifying.

one more day

2009-07-30T21:30:00.001-06:00

I can't wait

disappointed

2009-07-25T10:42:00.002-06:00

Less than a week, and it is all happening. I have heard the Bar Call compared to a wedding, and now I can see why. The stress and drama has reach epic proportions. Remember how my dad was deported? And we were all waiting for see if he can get a transit travel visa? Well, he got it, and has chosen not to come.

Why he couldn't just lie and say that he didn't get the visa, I do not know. I only know how much this feels like a slap on the face. I never thought I would understand him, or how my mom turns this into a lecture of telling me to 'grow up, and let go' of that relationship. I want to believe that he still cares, that he must, that I'm his daughter despite everything. But every shred of hope he seems determined to destroy.

So at this point, my mom is the only one coming, while the support from my friends have been incredible and touching. I guess I did the right thing banking on my friendships rather than trying to cultivate relationships with my family.

It's suppose to be a happy day, but I am so sad.

My Bike Now has a Basket

2009-07-02T11:39:00.001-06:00

I know it makes little sense, but as I was riding my bike last week, I was inexplicably delighted that my bike now has a basket. It just seems to be a sort of small wish that came true that makes things so much better. I got a bike a year ago when I moved to Edmonton, and I wanted a basket for it to carry, primarily, groceries, as my car had not been shipped out here yet then. A wicker type basket was what I imagined. But then the car came, and winter came, and the bike was readily forgotten. In the business of the everyday, those small things that could have brought so much pleasure are soon forgotten. But summer comes almost unexpectedly quickly, dogging the heels of spring. And one day you find yourself in a bike shop filling up the tires again, and the coolest basket appears in front of you. It’s black, metallic and detachable, none of what you imagined, but exactly what you need. And you wonder why you ever waited so long.

First Summer Days

2009-06-23T20:23:00.001-06:00

Last Saturday was the firm's charity baseball tournament. I attended last year as the newest member of the firm, and this year it already feels like home. Although I didn't play, I had a great time being a quasi-babysitter to everyone's kids. It was a gorgeous summer day, and I only got a little sunburnt. ;) Summer in this city; there's nothing quite like it!

countdown - 7 weeks

2009-06-15T19:53:00.001-06:00

7 weeks! In 7 weeks I am going to be a real lawyer! I was preparing my paperwork for the Law Society today, and it's really starting to sink in. I can't wait. Come party with me! =)

deported

2009-05-31T22:16:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow the new articling student starts at our firm. So, unofficially, I guess I'm done my year. Things are pretty much lined up for the bar admission, as long as I can make it successfully through this week.

Duncan bought me a really pretty dress last week, for the ceremony. Pretty excited about that. However, also 'exciting' is that my father was deported on the final leg of his journey in a Minneapolis stopover, because he didn't have a transit visa. Just great. In his words, after travelling 25000km in 48 hours, he isn't sure whether he'd want to do the trip again in a hurry. I was apprehensive about him coming, but trust me, him not making it here at all is infinitely worse.

Victoria Day Long Weekend!

2009-05-15T22:51:00.002-06:00

I moved to Edmonton a year ago! So technically I should be done articling now, but with scheduling delays, everyone's schedules, etc, etc, my bar admission won't be til the end of July. Which is okay. A slight towards the inevitable taking on of real professional responsbility. =P

So what's new? Oh, yeah. My dad is coming to my bar admission. I haven't see him in 6 years. I hope it doesn't turn into a disaster. I can certainly see the dangers as well as the potential of him being in Toronto for 3 months with my mom. Stay tuned for the crazies.

missing

2009-04-18T18:39:00.002-06:00

I miss him. There, I said it. Now can he come home?

I know this is insane. I left Toronto Monday night, but haven't seen him since Sunday, and now it's Saturday, so it's been a week. He is coming back Tuesday. That's only 3 days away. Why am I being such a baby about this?

Granted, we have not been apart for more than 3 days since we started dating, so a week seems like a very long time indeed. On the one hand it's nice to miss someone so much, and realize how much of my life involves him now, so that having 'free time' to myself; I don't even know what to do with it, really. There are so many fun things to do now that the weather is turning nice and spring is peeking out, but it's just not the same without him.

On the other hand, this feeling is terrifying me. Nothing is forever, and for sure no one should be hanging their hats on a 4 month relationship to provide happiness for everything. I don't like the feeling of dependence, and as sweet as this feeling is reflective of perhaps a deeper bond than I have experienced before, the surrendering of control freaks me out. To the point that I may be convincing myself that I like being alone better, so I can shut off that vulnerability.

I am so messed up.

Pre-Dawn Madness

2009-04-10T06:08:00.002-06:00

I am about to leave for the airport. I haven't been home in 5 months, which is the longest stretch ever. I am so excited that I have been tossing and turning all night, despite anticipating this and not even attempting to go to bed before midnight. At 9pm last night, I went on a random mission to a 24-hour Wal-Mart, and bought Eli Stone finally, and storage drawers. I did not know that there was a 24-hour W-M within 30 mins driving distance from me. It was incredible. The hum of the place has an airport-like feel to it. The staff are dazed, the shoppers frantic to buy ridiculous products that can in no way be an emergency. It was surreal.

So boyfriend left for Toronto 3 days ago, and will be picking me up at the airport, and meeting the family shortly after that. Should be wonderful (I think. I hope). Okay, I am leaving now. =)

I did it!

2009-03-28T20:22:00.001-06:00

It's official. My firm made me an offer to stay on as a first year associate for next year, and I've accepted. It's going to be great! =)

Slides and Science

2009-03-24T21:20:00.002-06:00

Julie came to deadly Edmonton to visit me! We journeyed to the depths of the Telus World of Science, as well as the heights of the West Edmonton Mall Waterpark. It was excellent.

Also, we had a Spring Equinox Party, in which decision making devolved into a spin the egg method. You can imagine what kind of fun was had by all. =)

What will Spring Bring?

2009-03-01T22:50:00.003-07:00

March 1st?! To say that February flew by would be an understatement. March now. Already. Technically only 3 months left of my articles, but officially it'll be more like 4-5. Oh well, bureacracy.

February has been wonderful. Stressful, but lovely. It's the kinda of inevitability and resignation that comes from realizing that absolutely everything is out of my hands. Or rather, the series of contingencies and eventualities that I have set up of my life is all based on the work decision. And right now, that's out of my hands. It's kinda freeing to accept that.

I wouldn't make a decision on my relationship, because I know that I have to go where I can get a job, and if that's not here, then I will have to walk away once again. That kinda stress can't be good in a budding relationship, but that's where I am now, and that's the way it goes.

I miss my family, but I still have not learnt how to actually co-exist in proximity with them, so maybe it's for the best that I don't return to Toronto.

I've had a little love affair with Vancouver since summer 2005, and I hope to make it a full blown relationship one day, so there is that in the balance. I also have a little thing for Calgary. Yes, I am very fickle. =)

Come what may, I'll always treasure these days.

love locked down

2009-02-17T19:12:00.002-07:00

I heard the song for the first time two days ago. Admittedly I am not on the cutting edge of pop culture. Went to Vancouver once again, for Valentine's Day weekend, with a boyfriend no less. The city never disappoints, and I am reminded why I love it so much again. Just Stanley Park alone is breathtaking, and combined with an evening with the symphony, sushi, and being in love, what more can a girl want?

I remember last time I was in Van, October 2005, and I saw this small pink gem frog, and I didn't get it. This time I went back to look for it, and very nearly couldn't find it again. Actually, I only found it after buying a bigger, purple one. I like both, a lot, but it seems like a lesson in waiting for what I really want. Probably reading too much into frogs.

I am just a handful of months away from completing my articles. What's next?

p.s. I thought 'love locked down' means 'love guaranteed'. Upon a more careful listen of the lyrics, I think not.

Strategically Speaking

2009-02-11T21:02:00.003-07:00

In relationships, I can let most things go, for the sake of 'love'. But when I decide to fight, it's, well, take no prisoners. I guess it was our first real fight yesterday, in a manner of speaking. Things have been boiling for a bit, and it just all came to a head yesterday, as in the I had go out for a walk (which ended up longer than I intended, because I got lost a little). To his credit, he called me on my inability to resolve conflicts when we talked calmly and productively afterwards. And it's true, I realize that I really don't know how to work through things besides pretending it doesn't matter, or putting an expiry date on the relationship.

For example, how do you decide what are you are doing for the weekend? Before the options were: r) try not to kill yourself, j) nothing, lethargy is policy. Okay, I exaggerate, perhaps a little, but how do you work through everyday life? I have no idea.

Maybe the difficulty is that this relationship feels even more fantastical than a camp relationship. The closest I can analogize is that it is like finding someone in a war zone. I am constantly sleep deprived, malnourmished, overworked and cut off from family and friends. So of course someone who offers comfort and a measure of belonging to play house with is welcomed. But when I am considering not returning home, but rather remaining in the warzone to fight the good fight, all of a sudden I want the relationship to be perfect, since at least (a very large) part of the reason for considering to stay would be for him. Of course that's not fair to him, but nothing's fair in love and war, right? Why am I so confused?

The Heart of the Matter

2009-01-28T08:16:00.001-07:00

Every time I want to say I’m homesick, I am struck by the realization that I don’t actually know what that means. I miss something that I barely remember having. Not that I don’t have a family, of course I do. But that elusive feeling of belonging; I have not been able to grasp.

8 months into my articles, it’s time to consider what’s next again. I like my firm, but I had no intentions of staying in Edmonton beyond this year. As that now changed? Maybe, maybe not. There is a man, that I clearly like, love even, who has made it very clear that he will not move back east. Do I not owe him the same honesty to say that I want to go home, if Toronto is still home, even if it might not be for a few years?

What I keep feeling is that I am missing out on everything that’s happening in Toronto, to my family and my oldest friends. Engagements, weddings, babies, and all the little announcements and special events that I no doubt didn’t even hear about… it’s all happening and life’s going on. Yes, I have my own life here, that I am fairly content with, but still. It didn’t help to not go home for Christmas, and now it’s Chinese New Year. When will I finally feel that I’m where I’m suppose to be?

Am I Allergic to Happiness or Normality?

2009-01-26T06:56:00.002-07:00

Give the resource, time and inclination, I could probably have turned out to be an arsonist or pyromaniac, because I sure like to destroy things in my life, especially when they are going well.

Is it a fear of attachment, so that I need to pretend I can live without it, in order to not feel vulnerable being attached to it? Is there any reason to believe I can ever achieve that 'normal life'?

The Time has Come to Set Aside Childish Things

2009-01-20T23:12:00.001-07:00

Let us embrace the challenges and promises of tomorrow together.

2009-01-11T21:08:00.002-07:00

The church had a birthday cake for all the January birthdays today, so a week after my actual birthday, I am still celebrating. It's great! One of the other birthday person closed his eyes briefly, and I realized that I have forgotten to make a birthday wish this year! Luckily I have another cake waiting for me at work tomorrow, so there is still a chance to salvage this. I know that you are not suppose to say the wish out loud, or it won't come true, but let's just, hypothesize, shall we?

What would I wish for in my 27th year? As far as I know, I have my health, though it might kill me to actually participate in any sort of prolonged physical activities. Despite the worry about hirebacks and my future beyond the next 6 months after articling is completed, I love my work and hope it will continue. My relationship with everyone in my family (except my father) is excellent, by virtue of the distance between us. And I've got a boyfriend that hasn't stopped making me grin yet.

So hopefully I'm not jinxing the year, but I am at the rare, exactly where I want to be spot in my life at the moment. =)

Happy 2009!

2009-01-01T22:42:00.001-07:00

What did you do with your extra second of 2008?

I was not deprived, I'm just Chinese

2008-12-28T21:32:00.003-07:00

So, at the shocking age of 26, I have finally had my first stocking, traditional Christmas dinner, around the tree gift opening on Christmas morning, with first the Midnight Mass in 10 years. No, my family did not turn white; Marc's family was just good enough to adopt me for the holidays. Wow, so the storybook Christmases as seen through the frosted glass with the brillant lights. Calgary, as usual is beautiful. I really think I could live there happily.

Boxing day shopping: oh, I spent too much! New camera, suit, blouse, bikini, candle holders... Went outdoors skating yesterday; haven't done that in about, maybe at least 12 years as well. This is the Alberta Legislature by night:

Sapphire and Faded Jeans

2008-12-15T23:44:00.003-07:00

I have noticed that in relationships, I stop using the other person's name. Is that weird? Or just a sense of familiarity? Or, the sheer fear of saying the wrong name?

It's so easy to slip into the pace and pattern of a relationship, 'cuz I've definitely been down this road before. Everything is rosy and sweet, and his most neurotic traits seem adorable. It seems like a totally skewed view of reality, like falling too fast straight through the clouds, and everything on the way down is blurry.

But what a rush. =)

This Christmas

2008-12-10T21:49:00.002-07:00

Do you know that WHAM song Last Christmas? It's one of my favourites, though I first heard it covered by Savage Garden. It's not directly applicable to my life right now, but I still remember how that sentiment resonants.

I've got to admit, lots of Christmas carols make me cry. Or at least feel deeply. I am talking mostly about the religious ones, but Frosty the Snowman too. And Little Drummer Boy; but that hardly merits explanation given my thing for musicians.

Anyway, this Christmas is looking very promising indeed, due almost entirely to a new man in my life. It's a very easy time of the year to fall, and I'm not particularly keen on catching myself either. It's a situation in which two weeks ago, I'd be like, "I'm sure I've met this guy before, but who is he exactly?" to "I think I love him". It's Christmas, right? Let a little hope flourish. =)

he was just not that into you

2008-11-30T21:11:00.002-07:00

So if your bf tells you that he isn't sure about marriage, or kids, or commitment, or whatever, it is just bullshit. Cuz all that translates to is that he isn't sure you are the one, and when he finally meets the one, he'd be engaged. So don't ever wait around for someone to change. It would be just totally a waste of time.

Damn. I was having a really good day until about 15 minutes ago.

There Are Places I Remember

2008-11-24T22:16:00.002-07:00

Just went a whole week without putting a suit on, and it was glorious! Flew to Toronto, 3 days in Washington D.C., back to Toronto, back to Edmonton, pretty much straight to the office. I just can't keep away, I had to know how the trials are going.

Washington D.C. is really gorgeous, really European. The statues and monuments makes me feel like I am still on exchange, exploring a new city with a backpack, running shoes, and walking all day. The Arlington National Cemetery was especially sobering; Capitol Hill, full of construction and anticipation for the inauguration. The best part was of course seeing my friend from Leicester, who was in D.C. for a conference. I miss those 3 months of my life so, so much. As kids, the end of camp seems like goodbyes are forever. But now we are grown, and have means, and can travel the world, just to say hello again.

Show a couple friends in Toronto, which was nice. But, I also feel like I have drifted very far from their day to day lives. I had two friends who got married, and I had no idea of when it happened, though I'm happy for them. I just feel, untethered. And what feels like freedom at times also feels like being adrift, unbelonging.

In Remembrance

2008-11-11T19:26:00.002-07:00

This is the Edmonton Vigil 1914-1918, last stop of the repatriation by light of the fallen Canadians of WWI. It was a clear night, and just simply beautiful. I went to the Butterdome service today. First snowfall greeted me this morning. Life is full of hope, at the moment.

Online Dating

2008-10-30T22:28:00.001-06:00

Not a good idea.

Lesson learned.

"normal"

2008-10-20T21:42:00.002-06:00

This is the state of my life:

On Wednesday night, in a desperate attempt to finish my assignment due on Thursday, I was at work 'til 6pm, and then went home and worked on the assignment, until 10pm, at which point I took a nap for an hour, and then worked 'til 2am, when I really couldn't anymore. Got to work at 7am as usual on Thursday morning, went to court 'til 10am (luckily a short day), and hid at the courthouse library to do the assignment from 10am-2:30pm, at which point I submitted it before the 4pm deadline. I had to work in the courthouse because at work, even though they are suppose to give us time to do these assignments, I still get continuously interrupted by last-minute demands and the steady stream of cold calls to screen for senior lawyers. So on Friday morning, I inadvertently slept in 'til 7:05am, and the receptionist (the nicest person ever), left me a message at 7:25am say that she is worried about me, since I was not at work yet, at 7am as per normal. Such is my life.

Calgary
I haven't been in Calgary for a year, and had totally forgotten how much cooler it is than Edmonton. Had a great time meeting up with a friend from England. Made me miss my Leicester days a lot a lot. Such an idyllic time of discovery. I want to go aboard again, stat. Also saw Passchendale with Marc, which was pretty good, actually.

Break
In class this week. A magical time of 9-4 days. I got home today and there was still daylight. I actually felt like doing laundry, making dinner, and baking an apple pie. Wow, this is normal life. Think I can ever have that, and a career I love?

Giving Thanks

2008-10-12T21:07:00.002-06:00

Despite all my complaining, I am grateful for my life as it is, right now. I finally feel like I am concretely building on a career, and the goal of becoming a lawyer, though still a half year + away, is at least in sight. I am grateful that after so many interviews, and my adamant insistence all through law school to have nothing to do with criminal law, I ended up with an article that's pretty great, and well suited to me. There will be frustrations from judges, lawyers, partners and peers to come, and hire-back and what's next to worry about in the new year, but for today, I can be content, and give thanks for what I have. I'm still here.

Oscillation

2008-10-05T20:05:00.003-06:00

I am oscillating between homesickness, dismay at the lack of learning at my job, no idea why I am sad, stress about what's next after articling, even though there is 8 more month to go of that, and it's getting cold. What is wrong with me? Next week is Thanksgiving, and there'll be a potluck at church. I don't even care about Thanksgiving; my family doesn't really celebrate it, so why do I feel like I'm falling apart, a little?

This is the longest time I have ever been away from home, though I really thought that doesn't bother me anymore. What is happening?

England, I miss you!

2008-09-24T19:00:00.003-06:00

I left for England this time last year, with some vague notions of finding myself, enjoying a semester aboard, and an odd sense of sentimentality, as Leicester is one of the places my dad studied at while in graduate school. What's missing in a father-daughter relationship in the present I had hoped to find in a shared experience, of a place, though 30 days apart. I don't know what I found in my 3 months aboard, except that the cobbley steps of the Royal Mile of Edinburgh, the dreaming spires of Oxford, the glistening lights of Paris, and the sheer energy in the dance of Madrid will forever be etched in my soul. I cannot wait for a chance to go back. But I know that to return as a visitor will never match the childlike wonder of seeing it for the first time. And I will no longer be a student, which has implications of its own.

I traveled to the other side of the world to find myself, but still the greater distance is between who I am, and who I long to be. Feeling quite wistful today; don't know why.

Seriously

2008-09-15T21:38:00.003-06:00

If I see one more 'I'm engaged!' or 'We're getting married!' message, I think I am self-combust. Come on, of course I'm happy for my friends, and their blissful togetherness. Of course I wish them every happiness. Of course I wish I had some of that in my life.

I have married friends. Friends expecting babies. Friends with babies. Friends with talking children. I have... my first real job. And yes, it's my choice, and I am happy with it, and I've got to believe that my turn at love and family will come and have not gone.

So to all my pending nuptial friends, I am thrilled for you. Shout from the rooftops and post your pictures. I am so happy for you. Truly.

searching

2008-09-13T20:52:00.002-06:00

I have been feeling like I need to make a choice in my life, in deciding who I am going to be. Since I have arrived in Edmonton, I have been going to church on a fairly regular basis. This is nothing new, as I tend to go when I'm in Alberta. Previously, this has meant all the times I have been in camp. Camp life is pretty routine, and I like the built in element of the spiritual when in such a structured environment.

But now Alberta is no longer a summer placement for me. This is my real life, and continuing to fit church in seems so very difficult. Not just time-wise, though that's a big part of it. And it's not like I have encountered such ethical dilemma at work yet that I feel like my world view is in conflict with a Christian life. But I was presented with an opportunity to be baptized today, and I turned it down. Do I fear the commitment, or being ask to contribute to the life of the church, when I already feel like I can't catch my breath at work? I have a lot of issues/questions about baptism as well, that's more difficult to articulate. Without going into that part of my psyche though, who am I? More importantly, who do I choose to be? Why do I not feel like I can make a public statement about something I believe in?

I know that I can be a good 'company man', if you know what I mean. When I decided I was going to do cadets, I threw myself into it, completely. That single-mindedness some might call determination, or stubbornness. But the point is I am perfectly at ease at church, and can quote scripture and explain doctrines adequately well (after all those years in Christian private school). I am also finding my footing in the legal world, or the world in general, as an adult. But I can't reconcile those two people reflected in me. It is not that I am a devil at work and an angel at church, nor do I think that anyone is asking me to be. I am just ill at ease with that other part of my life, and feel like I need to compartmentalize them, preferably with a bulletproof wall in between. But such separation is hard to draw within.

The crux of it is that no one is really demanding me to be one thing or another. It is just my own desire to please/appease people and to live up to expectations that's really making it hard. I feel like I am always going to be disappointing someone, and I wish I didn't care what other people think but I do. You know that song "The Quest" (end song in Grey's finale last season)? That's what I keep hearing in my head at the moment. I wish I could arrive at that emotion.

The Life and Times of My Life of Some Time

2008-09-06T21:27:00.003-06:00

I've finished my civil law rotation, and will be heading back to my own firm come Monday. Not that I've really been away, going in 2-3 times a week after work to check messages and stuff. It'll be nice to be back full time though, so I can stop feeling like I am serving two masters.

While I was there, I had a little crush on someone. It's all casual bantering and harmless fun, until I suddenly had a flashbulb moment, and realize that a lot of the traits that I found attractive in him also existed in an ex. I quickly aborted that mission. Not that I would ever have had the guts to ask him out, but man, that was close.

It's funny how we slip into patterns, I think. You'd think that no guy who doesn't have 'a sense of humour, a nice smile and is unafraid to show their feelings' would ever get a girl. What do we look for in a partner, and how much of it is just a construct or what we think we want? Tall, dark, mysterious doesn't do it for everyone, but what about rich, smart, confident? Is anyone looking for closet nerds out there? Surely not everyone of us shed our high school selves? Does anyone look for the one to watch Jeopardy with them, and answer just a few more questions than they can? Does anyone look for the one who still wear their heart on their sleeves? Who, afterall, at our age, doesn't have baggage?

Another phenomenon I find interesting is happily married/coupled people who eagerly play matchmaker. Do they really just want others to experience the perfect bliss they have found, or is it really a secret way to continue checking out the pool out there, with the perfect disguise? Yes, I am a cynic, at times.

No More Back to School!

2008-08-31T22:18:00.002-06:00

For the first time EVER since I was 3, I don't have to go back to school! Okay, alright, that's not strictly true, since I am auditing a course taught by my principle at the U of A this term, but I am officially an ADULT now! =)

Civil Rotation

2008-08-20T19:54:00.002-06:00

I have been seconded to a civil firm for 3 weeks. And though I'm getting interesting little assignments, and everyone's being really nice, this experience just makes me want to be a criminal lawyer that much more. I'm also surprised at how much I miss my regular work place. Somehow, over the last 3 months, my firm's become a home, and the people there family. At least in the great land of Alberta.

I remember at this time last year, I was devastated that I didn't get any of the articling jobs that were my first, second, third.... seventh choice. In part because of that, I once again made a poor relationship decision (same mistake, over and over again, but we don't need to tell that story again).

Funny how things work out. I can't imagine being anywhere else now, doing anything other than criminal defence, even though that was the one thing I said in law school that I won't be donig. Maybe I'm just malleable like that, adjusting to my surroundings, chameleon-like. But I don't think that's true. I'm pretty choosy with my life, and the only thing I seem to have an unhealthy level of tolerance for is relationships. Nothing is happening on that front (probably for the best), and I'm stressed to the max about this bar admission course, but it's all manageable. At the end of the day, I'm happy being here, right now.

SLC Forever

2008-08-13T19:26:00.002-06:00

I am a sentimental fool. There is no doubt about that. 10 years ago, I came to Alberta for the first time, and left a different person. I didn't know it at the time, but attending the Senior Leaders Course changed the course of my life. In fact, I don't think I'd be in Edmonton today if I didn't go on that course when I was 16.

We are changed before our eyes, yet we can't see it until we are looking back. I remember giving a speech at the squadron's banquet about my camp experience. That speech was too long (15 mins), as my speeches usually are, and of course I'm fairly certain that it resonated with me more than with anyone in the audience. Still I remember the pride with which I delivered every word, and how I can barely keep the quiver from my voice at describing what going home was like. I was touched again, every time I return to Cold Lake, every time I talk about it (how ever I try to pretend that was a childish thing), every time I see a beautiful sunset.

We were often told that the course is what you make it, as 'hardcore' and as meaningful as we can read meaning into it. For me it gave me the confidence I should have always known existed, and yet I needed the validation to believe. And once I believed, I took flight.

WSNBM/ONBP

sad songs say so much

2008-08-10T14:07:00.003-06:00

From time to time I discover a new song, and play it on an endless loop, until I know all the words. And then I'll read too much into the lyrics and find application to my life from it. (it is hardly the weirdest thing I do)

I love sad songs. I don't know why. I find that sad songs can touch me more deeply than happy ones. And truly, do not a song with a sense of longing resonate more strongly? It's not that my life is unhappy, I just feel like I can understand sadness better. I am pensive and introspective by nature. I feel joy and contentment, but I'm not the jump around with happiness type.

Haven't heard a song that moves me lately though.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not a fickle person, I don't think. I rarely change the way I feel about someone. It's probably a form of stubbornness. Mostly I am content to feel the way I feel, and wait for the world to change. As Goethe said, if I love you, what business is it of yours? But lately I have been feeling restless, and wanting things to change, to actually give what I want a chance. Relationships have never ranked very high in my life. I mean, I value them and a lot of drama usually surround them. I give them priority when I'm in them, but I have never really been the one to actively try to pursue them for my own happiness (mostly because I don't know how). But I've been feeling I want more, and I'm no longer content to just let things (not) happen. But the funny thing with relationship is that you can never 'make it happen', can you? You can't change how the other person feels, and in truth you don't even have any right to demand a response or explanation. We feel how we feel; we can't even explain it most days even if we wanted to. So perhaps it should be enough that I feel this way, and it shouldn't matter that the other person doesn't, or doesn't even know.

Mamma Mia!

2008-08-01T20:02:00.002-06:00

Can I just be all fangirl for a second and tell you how much I loved this movie? My love for musicals is not secret, but this was really something special. Maybe because I was not familiar with the story before going, it had the full impact on me. And Pierce Brosnan AND Colin Firth! I had a great time.

Long weekend finally here. I just plan on sleeping and doing all the things around my apartment that I have put off for so long. Looks like the weather will be decent. I should really get out there with my bike before it get too cold for that.

Looking forward to starting my bar admission course, and a rotation at a civil law firm, where I have been told keeps more 'civil' hours than the 7-6 life I currently have. My rotation is for 3 weeks, and I hope I can get some family law experience during that time. I can't believe it's August.

say goodbye, close your eyes, remember me

2008-07-21T22:13:00.003-06:00

The Cold Lake Farewell Tour.

Exactly 10 years ago, I first step onto the tarmac of Cold Lake Air Cadet Summer Training Centre. And now, I think, I am finally ready to say goodbye. This weekend was fantastic, as always, to be amongst friends there. But I was also on a high from 'winning' my first bail hearing on Friday, and so, I realize that I am at the point where I have found my 'real life' to be just as exciting to get back to. Cold Lake will always hold a special place in my heart, but I am, finally, ready to let it go. I will take all its lessons with me forever, because I know that I would not be here, if I had never been there.

3 days to extravaganza!

2008-07-15T21:03:00.000-06:00

Looking forward to a little Cold Lake Roadtrip Action this weekend! Basically everyone I know in Alberta is that at the moment, so it should be a great time!

Happy Canada Day!

2008-07-01T18:44:00.002-06:00

Usually, I'm at camp when July 1st rolls around, so I haven't really been 'among the people' for Canada Day for quite a few years. But this year, because I'm all grown up and have a real job ;) AND get the day off, I wandered downtown to City Hall, and then the Legislature Building, for some nationalistic pride. It was nice to see that Edmonton is actually a lot more diverse than I thought. All the kids and not a few adults are splashing in the fountains/wading pool, and everyone is just having a great time, enjoying a gorgeous 24C day. Felt a little wistful while I watched everyone with family and friends, spending the day together. Talking to my mom yesterday, I told her that I am probably not flying home for Christmas ('cuz it's so expensive), and she asked wouldn't I be homesick then, which of course just made me actually feel homesick.

Anyway, fireworks tonight, which I should hopefully be able to see right from my apartment. Happy 141st, Canada!

missing

2008-06-21T21:51:00.002-06:00

Today is my cousin's wedding. My entire family is in Toronto, celebrating, and I am here in Edmonton. Through cell phone and pictures, etc, I was pretty much getting a live reception to the ceremony, but obviously, it's not the same.

I have been feeling a little down. It wasn't easy leaving Toronto last weekend after Convocation. It's not that I don't like my work here, or that I don't like the city. On the contrary, and I quite thankful for the twist of fate that landed me in both. But I miss home right now more than I did when I was in England. Perhaps it's because exchange was only 3 months, while articling is for a whole year, and I have no idea when the next time will be when I get to go home. Coupled with the fact that so many of my friends are heading to camp tomorrow, to what I am sure will be an exciting, exasperating, eccentric summer once again, that I wish I were a part of.

Today my firm participated in a charity baseball tournament, and everyone had their kids/spouses/etc out, and I felt especially alone. Everyone in the office comes in early, and stay late, work weekends regularly, but I can't help but think how much more reassuring it would be to put in such effort, if only I had someone to come home to. I guess I never really felt this at school 'cuz the majority of people were on their own then. But now...

I keep telling myself it's just for one year, but this that any kind of attitude to start building my career on? Shouldn't I hope to be hired back after articling, and work towards that? The two students who are finishing their articles now (and staying with the firm after) seem so much more dedicated and committed to the work. Why don't I care? I've never thought of myself as being afraid of hard work, but I've never been faced with working at this tempo either. I feel terrified of screwing up everyday, and just when I think I've got a grip of something, something else throws me completely off kilter. Everyone is really nice and willing to teach. I just feel the learning curve is so very steep.

I think my family understood why I couldn't be at the wedding today, but they don't realize how all their excited shouts of 'why aren't you here?' in the background stabs at me today. I feel this is one of many important events that I will be missing for the sake of 'work'. How do I keep my life from going down that path? Or is it way too early in my career to consider what 'work-life balance' could even mean? I don't know. I just feel constantly exhausted, and I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through a year like this.

Three Times Over

2008-06-14T21:40:00.002-06:00

I flew home to attend my Convocation this weekend. My family went, and we stayed in Windsor overnight after the ceremony. To be honest, I was nearly nodding off during the 'very special speakers', but it was still nice to walk across the stage and have the degree conferred on me.

It was really nice to see everybody, to talk about what I'm doing in Edmonton, and everything. It feels good to feel directed, driven, and purposeful. I'll think of my law school days fondly, but don't know if I can go so far to say that I will miss people there. I've learned to touch lightly on others in my life through my last decade of wandering.

B.Sc. M.A. LL.B.
I've got one science degree, one arts degree... and finally one I can use to make a living =P

two weeks in, two weeks 'til

2008-05-31T19:09:00.002-06:00

I finally understand what people mean by "I love my job". I used to think that's kooky, but I can honestly say that I am enjoying my work tremendously, despite the 11 hour days. The challenges seems surmountable, and the learning curve not too steep yet. Then again, it's only been 2 weeks, so maybe I'll feel differently once the storm really hits.

I think I like the city, even though it's one of those that makes me feel distinctly non-white, especially in my profession. I was at two work related events last week for dinner, and can't help feeling 'different'. I know I should have gotten over this a long time ago, being in the military and having gone to RMC and all, but I never seem to quite manage.

The two ex's picked consecutive days to try to worm back into my life, but that door is firmly shut. I just can't deal with that stuff anymore.

Got a bike today, so that I can explore the city more easily. Looking forward to doing that when I can find the time. Should have been in the office today, but got distracted with various things. Flying home in two weeks for graduation.

my kingdom for an ironing board

2008-05-20T21:58:00.003-06:00

A good friend, you ask out for coffee.
A great friend, maybe dinner.

But you really haven't seen real love until you have a friend who'd drive to ELEVEN stores with you to find you a decently priced ironing board. Apparently Edmonton can only make them: a) with the permanent fixture on the end that you should iron your shirt with, b) over the door model, c) priced at $70+. This is definitely a strike against the city, if not the whole province. Anyway, Marc was nice enough to drive me to all these places, on a holiday Monday, so we can finally return the 2nd store we went to, and concede to a $40 board, only to be told at the cash that there's a 20% discount coupon for it! Oh, and to make the trip even more memorable, CBC radio was playing readings of short stories/soft porn through the entire ordeal. Welcome to Edmonton indeed!

First Day
Today I finally join the ranks of 'working adult', both in the employed & functional sense. My 'kingdom' is a nice apt overlooking the river/ravine, but of course, I now work from 7am to at least 6pm, so my kingdom is often undefended. The office was really nice, and I even get my own real office, with windows! Pretty excited about that. Have been 'advised' to work weekends. Not too thrilled about that, on top of 12 hour days. Will go in this weekend to take some pictures of the place, for your viewing pleasure. Exhausted now - sleep now to start again tomorrow.

confused

2008-05-11T10:15:00.004-06:00

For the last couple weeks, I've really be struggling with the decision to move to Edmonton. I don't understand it. I have never been reluctant to go to another city, province, country, continent, to pursue what I think are the best opportunities for my career, academic, military or legal. But with this move out West, I had a really hard time, to the point that I was still taking interviews here after I've accepted the offer there. The merits of the Edmonton job are undeniable. I'm so lucky to get an offer like that this late in the process. It's exciting work, has great benefits, and basically the whole package. So what the hell is wrong with me? Could it be that I am finally tired of bouncing around, with nowhere and no one to belong to (whole different kettle of fish). I guess part of it is that I was really looking forward to finally moving back to Toronto - but what's in Toronto for me? People in Toronto who love me will love me no matter where I am. I haven't been in this city for 8 of the past 9 years. What do I miss, except what it use to be? And even that wasn't the best.

I don't want to bank too much on Edmonton. It will be what it is, a job, and I ought not expect more. To live within driving distance of my stalker is not without its reservations, but let's just hope the rumour mill will hold out for me for a while. Flying out in a week. Another year; what will this one bring?

Another Adventure

2008-04-25T19:08:00.002-06:00

I have scored another year-abroad adventure. Well, okay, no. I'm just going to be living in Edmonton for a year; which, is pretty much another country.

So at the 11th hour, the day after writing my last exam, I got an articling position with a fantastic firm, after a mere 35mins phone interview, with 7 people on the other end. The irony is, I've done 15 interviews already, most of them dressed in my sharpest suits, and the job I get? I interviewed for sitting on my bed, in jeans and a T-shirt.

Now that the stress and decision-making and paper tossing, confirm and re-confirm etc is mostly over, I'm really looking forward to it. I have a few friends out there, and of course the Cold Lake crowd will ease the transition for me, at least over the summer. The work is going to be incredible. Even though I've never seriously considered criminal defence before, it fits with the constitutional/adminstrative/litigation and Charter interest that I have, so it should be pretty awesome. It's not Vancouver, but closer than I'd be from here.

All my friends out West - hope this means I'll get to see you much more in the next year!

p.s. oh yeah, I'm done Law School!

it's not always rainbows & butterflies

2008-04-13T16:04:00.003-06:00

... but sometimes it feels like it. =)

Had the best date I've had in, well, years last night. It's good when boys go be in the army for 3 years, does a tour in Afghanistan, and just basically grow up in an intervening 8 years. Too early to call where it is headed, but it's nice to dream.

Now I need to sit still for 10 days and write exams.

what's next?

2008-04-06T11:12:00.002-06:00

In the past couple years, my life has changed for the better come April. From getting into law school (2005), find my first law-related summer job (2006), getting a research assistantship (2007), it has been ridiculously stressful, or I'd have made contingency plans, but everything ended up working out with Plan A in April. I hope that this year will be no exception, and that I will soon be able to say what I will be doing for the next year or so.

On Friday we had a Grad Breakfast, the first in a series of what I'm sure will be bittersweet endings. Tomorrow will be my last days of classes. Wow. I can sort of feel the tip of the iceberg of emotions associated with that, but it hasn't hit me yet. I have been in school since I was 3, and that was a long time ago. And finally, FINALLY, I am going to be moving on to another stage of my life.

I find it hard to be scared or upset during these last couple sunshine days, even though nothing has changed. I find it difficult to sit down and write my last paper, but that's of course nothing new. I have a map of the world on my wall and I find myself staring at it often, wondering what adventures lie ahead for me. I look at my exam schedule, and can barely bring myself to care. Not that it will be a throw-away thing. I know I will do the job, and there is just very little anxiety associated with exams now, after so many years.

So, what's next?

My Constant

2008-03-22T11:17:00.002-06:00

This entry has been kicking around my head for about 2-3 weeks now, so I figure I'd better get it down before it knocks something loose in there.

On LOST, there was an episode about one of the characters time traveling between the present and 8 years ago. A physicist told him that he had to have a 'constant', someone or something that is important to him then and now, for his consciousness not to, essentially, fry and kill him. (If you've seen the episode, this needs no explaining. If you have not seen it, no amount of explanation would suffice.) Anyway, I started thinking my life, as it was, 8 years old at around this time...

I was just about to finish 1st year at McMaster and my first year at 150 Sqn. Things were going well, and I was going to have to choose soon between learning how to fly that summer, or going back to Cold Lake. I have often regretted choosing the former, but perhaps nothing exceptional would have been different had I gone with the latter instead. I was beginning to realize that I probably couldn't be a doctor with a D in Biology and Chemistry. I knew that I was absurdly good at Psychology and Math though. I was going to visit my dad in Shanghai for a month after exams, and when I get back, I will be Chief of my squadron, beating the 4 other WO2's who grew up there. In general, I was quite happy with life, having finally escaped from home, and able to assert a measure of independence, living at residence, yet not too far from home. And I was about to throw away the most important relationship of my life.

If I could talk to that 18 year old now, I would say, "Don't do it!! You will never experience that degree of contentment again in your life (at least not for the next 8 years)", but that bratty, self-assured kid would tell me of her (self-manufactured) angst, and how it was the right thing to do. She would make herself go on Power because she believed that it was necessary to have the wings to command respect to lead a bunch of kids who she knew next to nothing about. She would have romantic and idealistic notions of leadership. She could write, and she could dream. And if I had told her that she will be graduating law school in 8 years, she'd probably have frown slightly, wondered why it would take so long, and with a quick smile, go on with her day, secured in the knowledge that though her family is crazy, she looked forward to what he would say when she told of him this conversation later.

Some things we don't grow out of, despite changing majors and schools, ideals and despair, promotions and accidents, triumphs and heartbreaks, births and deaths. The music carries us though, and what's important then remains today.

more of the same

2008-03-05T10:04:00.004-07:00

I've been seeing this guy. Well, that's perhaps overstating the case. But regardless, we came to the point where we had the 'where is this going talk?' last night. And in truth I know exactly where this is going - nowhere. Not because of lack of interest, necessarily, but because I'm done here in 6 weeks, and he has 2 years to go. That is, if he doesn't transfer back to Vancouver.

I just feel tired. I feel like I've had this same conversation a thousand times before. I know the script and can say the words, but all without feeling. Is this how we get calloused? We love, we get hurt, and the next time, we give a little less, while trying to steal a little more in the short while? We grow weary of believing, and is a little more hesitant to the 'long-distance', having done it before and our hearts broken? We can only conclude that time and circumstances are always against us, and all we have is the here and now, so we'd better hold on, but not too tight, so it'll hurt less when it's torn away? I know we are only being realistic, and I guess we'll just hang out until it's not so convenient anymore, but all this makes me incredibly sad.

STILL looking for a job.

Maybe everything will go easier, if I can just stop hoping altogether.

heh!

2008-03-01T09:49:00.002-07:00

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/cartoon/

Family Day? sure, why not!

2008-02-20T16:38:00.002-07:00

To celebrate the inaugural long weekend, 7 of my friends and I went to Chicago. I've wanted to get there since 1st year, so it was really nice to be able to squeeze it in before leaving in a few short months. I can't believe there is only half a term left. It's kinda scary. Anyway, loved Chicago! History meets hip, jazz bars and clean streets, BEAUTIFUL people who are polite. Saw Wicked, and absolutely loved it.

Reading week starts 3pm tomorrow for me. Got lots of work to get done, but come on, we all know that reading week is for anything BUT reading.

feeling like a donut

2008-02-05T14:07:00.000-07:00

Rain, snow, read, class, eat, TV - a comfortable routine, just prodding along. Two months of classes left, then exams, then more exams. Sometimes the highest endorsement you can give to time is that it will pass. I'm feeling... it's hard to describe. Looking forward to going home for New Years; don't think I've ever been able to do that before. It feels nice to be at school, but incredibly awkward to find out, inadvertently, that J is having a party, and of course I wasn't invited. Which makes complete sense, 'cuz he has a new gf. And I was the one who refused to attempt a friendship. But still, it sucks, because, well, almost all our friends are mutual friends. But that's the way it's gotta be.

Applying to jobs, but haven't heard back from anywhere yet. Postings for the following year has started coming out, which is more than a little scary. I like my classes, though Advanced Family Law feels a little like group therapy of a bunch of angry feminist at times. I feel sorry for the one guy in our class of 12 or so.

Some things are going on that I won't legitimatize with a post yet. Needless to say it has to do with my poor decision-making wrt relationships. One day, I'll get it right.

The Truth about Me

2008-01-26T18:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I've never had a social calendar that included events 3 nights in a row with 3 large, different groups of people. In each one I felt happy, but as a peripheral, fringe-dweller. And I'm not entirely upset by that fact. I seek out solitude, and orchestrate my life to not belong. Perhaps it's just safer to diversify my attention and affections. I float, though I have a handful of close friends who anchors me. I try to be the kind of friend who'd surprise people if I didn't show up, when I said I would. The kind that tries to make sure everyone has a ride home. But the truth is it is a lot easier to be responsible for everyone else instead of being responsible for myself. Not that I'm not a cautious person, to say the least, but there is so much about myself that seems entirely out of my hands, but I seem to feel able to help others. Or at least make life easier for them. Or just bring a smile. It's the drifting of un-belongingness that marks my place.

A New Balance

2008-01-16T21:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things look grim, but can turn around in an instance. I was attending the welcome/welcome back reception at school for new and returning exchange student yesterday. First, I got a chance to speak briefly about my time aboard. And you know me; if I get to speak publicly, even to an audience of one, I'm happy. But that's not all, I also smoozed with the President of the University, the Dean of Dramatic Arts, and a Prof in Business. But the best part of find a student who is here on exchange, from Leicester! I was so excited, rambling about all the Leicester-specific stuff, and we were both acting like excited chipmunks. It is as if Leicester is this exotic place, where only the two of us have been to, and the utter shock and delight of being able to share that was incredible.

More good things:
1. Through an informant, whose identity must be protected for their own safety, I have been informed that R has changed his status to 'in a relationship'. I am free.

2. J tapped me on my backpack after class today, we exchanged brief words, and I didn't want to die from the awkwardness. I consider that superb.

3. I am flirting with... something, not quite fire, maybe just a little ember, though the wonders of Superpoking. I am a tres nerd, I know.

4. One of my friends from Leicester is coming to visit me in the summer!

Looks like things are going to be alright afterall.

maybe too optimistic

2008-01-10T17:09:00.001-07:00

This is my new room. For my last four months of school EVER, I'm staying in one of the university-owned houses reserved for exchange students (incoming or returning). It's literally a stone's throw from the law school. In case you are weirded out, I'm taking the picture right into a mirror.

I moved back to Windsor on Sunday, and all I've wanted is to not be here. It's really nice to be surrounded by friends/people I know again, but at the same time, I miss the lack of accountability and anonymity of being aboard, and the freedom that entails. It feels weird to 'belong', or at least be familiar with everything. And I'm probably not making matters easier by being all grade-7 about not having spoken to my ex, even though we have a class together. Luckily a class big enough to genuinely-pretend that we just haven't 'had the chance'. Whatever. Four more months, and I'm done like turkey. That's something.

It's Gonna be a Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T11:25:00.000-07:00

I feel it in my bones that 2008 is going make all my dreams come through. Not sure if it is just start of the year optimism, or because it's the first day I've gotten enough sleep in a week, after the Christmas Training Course. Either way, it's looking good. Happy 2008!

Year in Review 2007

2007-12-24T20:47:00.000-07:00

January
Started off pretty great, with 3 separate birthday celebrations for turning 25. Sold my car of 6 years in preparation for going on exchange. A little crisis of confidence starting off the school year as I prepared for the moot competition.

February
The cracks of the relationship became gaping holes, and everything came with a sunset clause. Competition in Ottawa went pretty well, and exchange was confirmed.

March
A little personal victory for the Elimination of Discrimination campaign I did on campus. The relationship continued to fracture, and the lack of summer job situation compounded the misery.

April
Crazy exam month. Moved back to Scarborough. Succumbed to facebook. Took stock of my life a little. Couldn’t wait to go aboard.

May
A geriatric type of life, helping out in the yard, planting, as if recuperating and rehabilitating. Which it kind of was, but the scars were all emotional. Watched all the episodes of Lost from the beginning for the first time. Attended a high school reunion.

June
Went on CQ, then off to camp. Had serious doubts about staying in the system, the summer, etc.

July
In Cold Lake, where all things are possible/gets skewed. Spent 3 weeks convincing myself not to get involved with an old flame, and when it came down to it, took all of 3 seconds to change my mind. Was really excited about articling prospects. Among many friends at camp.

August
Left camp early for a bunch of interviews, but was devastated when I didn’t get a single offer. Did some fun stuff and generally tried to prep for England. Struggled over whether I wanted to see the ex (J). Foolishly hopeful for whatever was going on with R.

September
Left a little out of place to not be starting school at the beginning of the month. Took an ill-advised trip to Calgary. Actually, no one advised me to go, so it was just my own decision to be faulted. Off to the UK excited and excited. So amused by every little thing British.

October
Orientations, starting classes, experiencing London. The ‘relationship’ came crashing down when I couldn’t decide who to trust. Went to Scotland and just totally fell in love with Edinburgh.

November
Madrid and Lincoln trips. School was happily chugging along. Probably the happiest I’ve been in quite a while.

December
Already nostalgic before I even left the UK. A weekend in Paris, a weekend in London. Coming home to a snow-covered wonderland after spending 3 months away.

My mom made us count our blessings, literally, at dinner tonight. I think the year had a bumpy start, but ended on a high note with my months aboard. Know that I’m grateful for you, and all your encouraging/entertaining/eccentric comments and insights. It keeps me going. Here’s to a fantastic 2008!

One More Day

2007-12-20T08:44:00.001-07:00

What a difference a day makes! =P

I made this!

2007-12-19T14:50:00.000-07:00

I do love winter! And snow, and Christmas, and being home! The euphoria will run out soon, I'm sure, but not just yet! +)

last day

2007-12-13T15:59:00.001-07:00

Here I sit, surrounded by a somewhat controlled mess, hoping that the postal deity will let me ship a box home tomorrow, because it is just not all going to fit. You know the bag you buy at the Canex at the end of camp to bring home everything you have somehow accumulated in 8 short weeks? Well, I've been away for 12 weeks, and I'm a lot more high maintenance then I used to be. Plus international shipping isn't going to be cheap. So yeah, I hope everything will work out tomorrow, including exchanging my train ticket, which inexplicably says Dec 18, even though I am fairly certain that I asked for Dec 14 about 3 weeks ago. Ah, the joys and tribulations of traveling will soon be lifted from my weary shoulders, and not a moment too soon.

I made a spreadsheet to see what items will be deniable at customs, in order to make it around the limit of $750. Well, everything with a city name on it is going to be hard to get around. Sold one of my textbooks that I will surely never look at again (at least not by choice). Unfortunately I'm a horder, so there are scrapes of paper that are just too sentimental for me to throw out.

I am slowly coming to accept that this idyllic term of high adventures and freedom from reality is coming to an end. One last hurrah in London tomorrow and Sat. Flying home Sunday.

I already miss this life.

Two Weeks Left

2007-12-02T04:54:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm going home in two weeks. I feel like I have just hit my stride; familiar faces, a set routine, going over to friends' house for dinner, all the normal things you associate with shedding the foreigner's skin. Just as I am greeted with friendly faces on campus, have a decent grasp of the bus route schedules, and really starting to feel that I like this place, I'll be packing my bags in a matter of days.

They told us at orientation that 3 months is going to feel very short, and there were times I doubted that in these past weeks. But with all the traveling and school and everything, there wasn't time to miss home, really. Plus with the nonsense and drama, why would I want to go face that?

I've never been cool enough to have a set table with a group of friends to sit at for every meal. I haven't feel this good about life since 3rd year at Mac.

Upside down
Who's to say what's impossible and can't be found
I don't want this feeling to go away
~ Jack Johnson

HOST/Madrid/And Such

2007-11-21T16:06:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy 2 weeks, but also high time for an update.
HOST
This is a program which we just have to sign up for, and we are matched with British family who will host us for a weekend. Our school has even paid the L40 administrative fees for us. In light all of this generousity, I will try to be as polite as possible:

The weekend was a disaster. There were salvageable bits, but mostly, I was so happy to get back to my dorm room that I could have cried. The weekend started off with a late train, which caused me and 20 other people to miss the connecting train. No problem, the train company called a cab to take us to our destination. One cab. Twenty people. So we waited an hour, for another 40 mins or so ride, and I finally arrived at this little village of Tealby. Charming, along with it's huge Tesco (supermarket). Okay, that's fine, they were nice enough to offer me my own room to stay in, even though it was freezing cold in there. The couple is those that are into buying a decrepit place, and renovating it, but also living in it while it is decrepit. So there were building material everywhere around the house, where the extension is being planned, along with everything else made of wood inside (remember this detail; it'll become important later). Anyway, the next day, we went to a nearby village of Lough, and then a bigger city of Lincoln, and I saw cathedrals and shops and castles, even an original Magna Carta, so it was all pretty cool. So what if they have a bratty 14 year old who disagree with everything, and a just-moved-back-home 21 year old who likes to make fun of his mom. No matter.

Sunday morning, I went to a Remembrance Day service in Lough, which was very cool 'cuz I got to see British cadets and other military personnel, doing a parade not so different from home. In the afternoon we drove to the coast of the North Sea, where the beaches had become in recent years a natural birthing grounds for seals. It was freezing cold, but the pups were so cute! When we returned to their home, the mother inexplicably had to wash their horse (they live on a farm with a llama, chickens, ducks, sheep, dog, etc), in the dark. The only light was a motion-detected one, so it comes on, it comes off. Imagining washing a car, in the dark. No, a truck. No, a moving truck, that doesn't want to be washed, 'cuz it FREAKING cold! The whole family was standing outside, so it's not like I can just go inside and sit by the fire. Oh well. Off to bed for an early train.

I'm a light sleeper when not at home, especially when I know there is something that I need to get up early for the next day. So when the hallway light came on at 5am, I was instantly awake, but then decided that I can still sleep for about another hour before getting up. I hear footsteps though, and then, several minutes later, loud pounding on my door and then the door was opened. The house was on fire. I kid you not. They don't have smoke detector though, and only found out 'cuz the father smelt smoke and got up to investigate. The closet was on fire, all the clothes inside burnt, all that's left was the hook part of the metal hangers. The house was filled with smoke, but it is only after his investigation that the father was like, "Right, I'll call the fire brigade now", while we all waited in the kitchen OF THE BURNING HOUSE and the mother made tea with an electric kettle. 20 minutes later ('cuz the house was in the middle of nowhere), 2 fire engines arrived, and while the firemen were pulling their hoses into the house, the mother tried to shove cups of tea at them. Other firemen arrived in their own vehicles minutes after, and even in all these confusion and madness, their hotness was not lost on me. Too bad I looked like an illegal immigrant smuggled away in a British family in a small village. The stars were out though, so that's nice, and we saw the sun come up. Eventful is an understatement.

Madrid
Was a much nicer weekend. Mostly I just loved the vibe of the city, and people and music on the streets, long into the night. Flamenco dancers were pretty cool too, even if the fog machine was a little overused in the performance, and people kept taking pictures with the flash. It is contradictory to say "No hablo espanol"? My grade 10 Spanish is sorely lacking, but some words did ring a bell as the weekend progressed. My flight was delayed for 6 hours though, and having spent 6 hours already 'sleeping' in the airport, it was not fun. That's a painting of Don Quixote fighting the windmill that I bought from a street artist. I also got one of a bull.

And Such
It's a little crazy to think that there is only 3.5 weeks left of my exchange. I've got papers to do, and, on the more fun side, still a day trip to Oxford, weekend in Paris, and a final weekend in London before flying home on Dec 16. Feeling a little ambivalent about going home, and especially back to Windsor, for surely drama awaits. But at the same time, you grow tired of being a stranger.

just be

2007-11-04T15:42:00.000-07:00

Since my Scotland trip, I've been think a lot about the difference of a young person growing up in the Old World versus the New. I'm thinking, if I lived in a country with hundreds of years of history, then maybe it is enough just to be. Just exist, and live your life in your community, knowing that you are doing your part, but no need to seek for the ever elusive (North) American Dream. I think belong to a young country gives us illusions of grandeur, that we will become the next important person, change society, mark the world. But in a country were football rivalries are rooted in religious conflicts hundreds of years ago, where Roman walls of a 1000 years still stands, maybe you accept that it's not all about you and what you create in your short, short lives. The education system here supports that too, I think. They specialize very early (high school), and concentrate on only that area of their study. I know that doesn't mean they don't know anything outside their field, but I've taken courses in mathematics, astronomy, economics, philosophy, political science, history, biology, physics, chemistry at university, and I just can't imagine deciding at 15 or whatever what my career or my life was going to be about. But carving a niche early is nice too - it gives you certainty, perhaps, in those tumultous year of finding yourself.

I am still trying to do that.

I'm okay - just needed to let this out

2007-10-31T11:30:00.000-06:00

I hate that I said, "It's me" when calling an ex(J), and I hate that the response was "I know that voice well". I hate that J think he has a free pass back into my life now. I hate that I could not adjudicate the sanity between 2 people who once meant the world to me (though not at the same time). I hate that I keep losing one again and again for the past 3 years, and every time hurts just as much as the last, if not more. I hate that I was excited when I thought J had changed, and then disappointed to discover that he hasn't, and that the simple truth that people don't change still elude me. I hate that J thinks he can ask about R, or expect me to take his side, no questions asked. I hate that I still care about R, and feel like I should defend him to J, despite R's inexcusable actions. I hate that I still don't have an articling job.

I hate I am 3500 miles away from home, and feel no more alone than I usually feel.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OT: I can't believe my daemon has been changed 5 times already! It went from an ocelot to a wolf to a spider. My friends really don't see me as I see myself! =)

2007-10-25T14:09:00.000-06:00

'normal' is a figment of my imagination

2007-10-18T02:24:00.000-06:00

Any day that starts with a 6am phone call is not going to be great. Especially when said call is from an ex. And doubly so when the reason for the call is that he is being threatened by someone else, who named themselves 'kelly chan', and then proceed to interrogate/reveal intimate details about your relationships with your ex and with themselves. Although I have no confirmation except for an invitation to MSN with probably the same 'kelly chan', I will give you three guesses as to who is behind this. The first two don't count.

So apparently 'kelly' found the ex's email that I carelessly posted on someone else's wall for something, and then emailed the ex, and invited him to MSN with the promise of 'urgent information' about me to talk about. I believe the term is cyber-bullying. So the ex at first thought this was some twisted way for me to contact him, but then to his credit realize I am not crazy, and called me at 1am his time to warn me of this 'kelly'. Life is grand, no? Of course I can't get back to sleep after that. It is 9:32am my time now. Only 14.5 hours to go before this day is over. In terms of credibility, the ex may be a lot of things, but psychotic is the domain of someone else, so I find it much easy to believe him that you-know-who. It's a little scary, except for the vast protection offered by the Atlantic Ocean. I know I bring this trouble upon myself, but I'd wanted to believe that things were going to be different this time.

At least I am going to Scotland this weekend.

Train Stations & Why I Love Them

2007-10-11T12:59:00.000-06:00

Last Sunday I took a full day trip to London. Woke up at 6am, walked for 45mins to the train station (buses don't run that early on Sunday in Leicester), got on the 7:45am train, arrived at St. Pancreas Station at 9:45am. Spent the whole day doing all the tourisy things. It was awesome. But nothing impressed me more than the train stations. I don't know why, but I'm so in love with them. I think it's the sense of grandiose, the super high dome like ceilings that reminds me of an armory. The hustle and bustle of people going important places. The punctuality of running on schedule, every time (I especially like this). The romance of a platform goodbye. The inevitability of the departed train. The full-throttle ahead. The safe screech of arrival. The passing landscape, here one moment, gone the next. My dad once said, don't forget to look at the scenery when you are driving by. But being in a train, you can look, but you can't stop. And the fragility and perhaps a little of the helplessness and lack of control over our surroundings has deep resonance with me as well. I know the sun shines beyond the rain, and you can't stay longer in a perfect moment than you can in a devastating one. The route is already set, and you know where you are headed. At least you think you do. But don't try to stay on too long, or the conductor just might fine you.

On the less emo side, here's something fun for you:
The trolley is actually half way through the pillar. Back to school!

Haven't Got a Mobile?!

2007-10-05T09:17:00.000-06:00

I am going to London on a day trip this Sunday, and a friend of a friend has graciously offered to show me around. Except, he was slightly surprised/horrified that I don't have a 'mobile'. How could people ever find each other without one? To be fair, cell phones are so much cheaper here. With incredible foresight (but really mostly luck), I bought a Razr from Pacific Mall a while ago, so it's already got the right plug (I use a converter in Canada), plus is unlocked. The SIM card was free, and basically I just put money on it. The deal I got is 15p/min for any call within the UK, but only 5p/min to Canada, US, Australia or New Zealand! Yeah, so it's actually cheaper to call home then local! Hong Kong/China is only 6p/min as well. It's funny; the rate is in pretty much direct proportion to how much Britain likes you.

Little Things:
1. Traffic lights that go: Red, Red+Yellow, Green. I remember specifically having to unlearn this sequence when I first moved to Canada.
2. How phone numbers are like 11 digits long, and that it's different rates to call numbers from different providers.
3. Sitting on the upper deck of buses, and then flying down the stairs just before your stop.
4. Jaywalking made easy, but narrow streets.
5. 50min lectures, 2000 word essays (including footnotes!)
6. A big bowl of fruits for a pound at the Open-Air Market.
7. 'Still' vs. 'Sparkling' water.
8. How everybody is 'mate'.

I know what I forgot to pack... a boyfriend

2007-10-01T04:56:00.000-06:00

I am surprised by how many international/study abroad students are here with their partners. How did they swing that?! Maybe couples just do things like this together - but it just boggles my mind.

Today is the first day of registration, but Law does them tomorrow. So I'm just staying away from campus today, and nursing this wicked cold that has my head exploding and eyes tearing every couple minutes. It is not fun. My immune system and I need to have a talk. Classes haven't even started yet!

So everyone else (British students) have moved in now. They are very nice, but VERY YOUNG. Of course, most students in residence are first years, which makes me, like 6-7 years older than them. Anyway, it's cool.

I think I've figured out why obesity is less of a problem here - the food sucks. Well, it doesn't suck exactly, I guess. It all looks pleasant enough, until you take a bite. And then you realize there is no taste. Even a McChicken taste different. The most flavourful thing I've had yet is the instant noodle for lunch today. This may be just cafeteria food, but maybe not. Speaking of which, my hall is catered, which I thought meant 'swipe your meal card' and it'll just deduct the amount. Not so. We pay a set fee and eat in the dining hall at set times every day, but for breakfast and dinner only. Lunch they expect you to eat at school, so they don't serve it here. Brunches on weekends. The staff sit on the podium at the head of the dining hall, and the students throughout the hall. It's interesting.

So tomorrow I'll get my timetable, and figure out how much traveling I can manage to squeeze in. It's October 1st already. I'd forgotten about Thanksgiving next week until I looked at my calendar today. They don't have it here.

Little Things that Freak Me Out/Surprises Me:
1. Kleenex for Men - it seems like they are bigger sheets, or at least in a bigger box. I don't know what would happen if you used it by mistake.
2. How the cashier wait until you have bagged and carried away all your stuff before serving the next customer
3. How all the cashier have chairs in the supermarkets
4. That flavour I've been missing since I was a kid is black current.
5. How, of all things, I forgot to pack an umbrella

an essential paradox

2007-09-28T16:58:00.000-06:00

So we travel across the world, to learn about different cultures, and what do we do as soon as we get here? Find students from our home country. But if you are from Canada, or the US, there is really no easy way to identify 'your people'. Tonight, as the conclusion of International Students Orientation, there was a Cultural Event, which was basically pub night. Everyone was dancing in a circle, like junior high. But then, and Indian song came on, and the dance floor turned into a Bollywood movie. I swear, it was unreal. A little later, an African beat came on, and the black students took the stage.

Now, it is just me, or would that NEVER happen in Canada? Seriously, can you imagine? "Okay, now all the brown kids!" It's like that scene from Hairspray. All the black kids now! But then Kanye came on, to remind us that we are all the same, after all. Hip hop is our culture.

The Italians were pretty classy, using their flag as a table cloth for their wine glasses. Then a Canadian student sang a drinking song ('oh I wish I were in Sherbrook now...'), but few other Canadians recognized it. I did, because all I learned about Canadian culture, I learned from Cold Lake. Later in the evening, another Canadian student decided to start singing the national anthem, and wow, there are a LOT of Canadians here that I didn't even realize. I taught 3 American students to sing it (bilingually) afterwards. I had a drink called 'cider & black'. It was very yummy. May have precipitated the singing. Anyway, fun night. Oh, we were asked to go dressed in our 'traditional cultural dress' if we wished. The best any Canadian came up with was toques, sweaters with the word "Canada" on it, or a hockey jersey. It's kinda sad.

Which leads to my more meditative point. Seeing the Indian and African students dances tonight, I think maybe we lose something in Canada by being too 'colour-blind'. There is something to be said for giving cultures the space to be different, and acknowledging that difference by respectfully not trying to join in unless invited to do so. I'm not saying we don't do that in Canada. It's just, we do it differently, and then differently again at designated 'cultural events'. I'm not articulating my thoughts very clearly here.

Another thing. I have never been ashamed that I am Chinese (though I try very hard to hide the fact that I am). But in an 'international' situation, I say I'm Canadian, and I get asked, "Yes, but where are you from originally" Umm, my mother's womb. And I don't think the Chinese students can understand that I have less in common with them than that white or brown kid from North America. Ah, learning about the world!

in Leicester

2007-09-25T11:24:00.000-06:00

First of all, there are more/different keys on this computer station I am standing at, awaiting the beginning of International Students Orientation. I hear there is going to be a magic show. No kidding.

Well, so far things have been going quite smoothly. The flight was fine, even though during the one hour stopover in Ottawa, we weren't allowed to get off, being 'in-transit' passengers. I didn't sleep much on the flight, which kinda sucked, but got to London all in one piece. The Gatwick airport reminded me of the old Hong Kong one, with the ugly yellow signs and general oldness. It was a brisk 14C, but felt much chillier because: a) I was tired, and b) it's wet. Waited about 1 1/2 for my bus at the lounge. It's a little disappointing /comforting for an international traveler to see La Senza, The Body Shop, Burger King, etc. Went outside to wait for bus, which was an hour late. I was pretty anxious the whole time, even after being reassured by the bus person that it was just running late rather than have left without me. The bus had to take a circuitous route through the other airports to pick up passengers, and not everyone got on at the other stops. It took 4 hours to reach Leicester. Hopped on a cab, whose driver had to GPS the residence address. Checked into my room, randomly the first student I met is from Toronto too. Went to supper, went to bed, freezing.

Finally fell asleep at 3am. Woke up at 11am and couldn't believe it was that late already. Found the Brit's Wal-Mart (Asda), so all is good. Got a duvet, pillow, mattress & pillow cover & laundry bag all for £8. Brought a bunch of other stuff as well. Was tempted to buy a coat for £8 as well, because it's so cold here, but the smallest size was an 8. Went back to rez, had lunch, figured out my phone number, registered with the school online, sorted out the stuff I bought, and started to walk to school.

The walk is suppose to take 40mins. Yeah, I know. What's the point of living in university residence when it's so damn far? But my hall is catered, which means they provided breakfast and supper, so I guess that's why there isn't enough room for that right on campus. It, of course, started raining as I was walking. I walked for 1.5 hours because I got lost. Well, not really lost, but not as correctly as I had hoped. Because the streets all change names for no apparent reasons. I asked for directions, and this man said, 'It's half an hour away, it's too far to walk!' Anyway, I walked through the, let's say ethnic part of downtown. You'd think there's still segregation going on here. Arrived at this gorgeous soccer pitch (football pitch?), Victoria Park, the backyard to Leicester. Got on the campus tours; really nice little place. Met another fellow Canadian, someone from Portugal, Turkey, etc. Orientation official starts tomorrow morning.

I'm sure I would have needed to buy stuff once I got here anyway, but the reason why I am so ill-equipped is a last minute discovery of the baggage restrictions for Zoom Airlines (as in, WHAT DO YOU MEAN 20kg in total?! I thought it was 20kg per luggage!) Luckily I discovered this before actually leaving for the airport, so the repacking as done somewhat logically. Still I decided against my winter jacket, and I could use it on, in the evenings at least. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to buy stuff! =)

things that freaked me out/amused me so far:
small toilet seats, a pink stretch limo, around abouts! (how do people not get killed everytime they cross the streets?), an MC/DJ at Asda who says things like 'why not have fish tonight? Remember fish is good for you!', lush lawns ('cuz what sprinkler system could beat rain 5 times a day?), trying to learn my coins, hearing How to Save a Life on the radio, feeling like I'm in Hogwarts

London Calling T Minus One!

2007-09-22T17:36:00.001-06:00

I got a transfer from the TTC today, so I know that it's Day 265 of the year. I wonder what the last 100 days of 2007 will bring for me. To say the least, it will be exciting. Getting on a Gatwick bound plane in 25 hours. I feel like I'm on the top of a roller-coaster, ready to take that plunge. More than ready. I have been out of school for 5 months now; I hope my brain has not turned to mush. Or if it has, that will unmush quickly once I cross the ocean. I hope this trip will be more than I can imagine.

my sister on the National Post

2007-09-19T09:04:00.001-06:00

A fashion blog for posterity

Strike a pose for future generations!

Adam McDowell, National Post

Published: Saturday, September 15, 2007

While most guests were trying to track down hors d'oeuvre at Ultra Supper Club Wednesday night, Yvonne Kai was on a different hunt.

When something catches Kai's eye -- a unique dress, hard-to-pull-off red boots or just the way an ensemble is put together -- out comes her digital point-and-shoot. A couple of head-to-toe shots later and the fashion blogger presents the accidental model with a card advertising her URL, longoverdew.com.

As at other sites chronicling fashion, such as thesartorialist.com, there's no room for fashion don'ts at Kai's site. Being posted implies one's outfit is worth sharing with the world--and worth archiving.

"I decided to start the fashion blog because I was already doing all these notes almost every day on Facebook," says Kai, who founded her site about a year ago. "I got 3,000 hits within the first week."

Taking pictures of grinning partygoers in their Friday best may seem to be a superficial enterprise. But Kai, who has a bachelor's degree in cultural studies, says longoverdew serves an important purpose. "I find it's important to document this," she says. "It's hard when the only medium to study fashion is through fashion magazines. They often only show high fashion and not street fashion. We're going to look back and have nothing to study."

While Kai still needs her job in marketing, she says, "I am making a bit of money" from blogging, through advertising and fees to appear at events.

The filmfest is a busy time for Kai. After an hour at the Ultra party for photographer David Drebin's book launch, Kai has five usable outfits on her memory card. It's time to head to another party at Cheval. More events means networking, and therefore more work, Kai says. She estimates she goes to six or seven events on a busy week (though she's not always diligent about posting all her material). For any socially active Torontonian, it's only a matter of time before Kai or someone like her sizes you up -- so dress your best.

Ten Days in Calgary

2007-09-18T21:34:00.000-06:00

must. blog. about. trip.

It's been a week since I had an anxiety attack.

Ha! Thought that would get your attention. Let's start from the top...

First, I would like to let you know that this is real life. If you are late for your flight, because you relied on your sister's friend/taxi to get you to the airport, and arrived less than 30 mins before departure time, Toronto Pearson International Airport will not let you through the gate, even though they haven't even started boarding yet. Or maybe they had. I don't know, I didn't get that far. It's totally not like in the movies, where you can flash your badge, say you are an FBI agent, and get them to reopen the plane door for you. (don't worry, I didn't try to convince anyone I was on official business, even though I was using my permanent military ID).

So after all that, I had my flight rescheduled for the next day, and decided to take public transit to the airport. 'Cuz one $50 cab ride was more than enough. The Airport Rocket bus was faster than the cab driver from the night before, and it took a surprisingly short amount of time to get back to Terminal 1. I was 2 hours early. After all that, I can't tell you how happy I was to land in Calgary, even if the local temperature was 13C (it was 37C in Toronto).

Day 1 Thursday
Landed in the Calgary airport. Because I was sitting in the very back of the plane, I was one of the last to reach the arrival area. I saw him before he saw me, but it feels like everyone waiting for their luggage saw how happy we were. Dinner at Boston Pizza. Grocery shopping at Safeway.

Day 2 Friday
He worked from 6am-2pm, and then we went for a walk to the Glenmore Park Reservoir. Umm, let's just say there was a ring involved. I said we can reopen the topic for discussion at Christmas. I was adamant that I want to go to England to learn about myself, and I am certain that I can't do that wearing someone's ring. It ended up okay, considering. Went out to dinner/drinks with a bunch of his friends, who all helped me gang up on him (on other things). It was cute.

Day 3 Saturday
Drove out to Canmore for the day. It was absolutely beautiful. Mountains. Big Mountains. Clouds passing over Big Mountains. Snow-capped. I just can't get over them. I bleached his hair, and he did highlights in mine. He did the better job.

Day 4 Sunday
We started the day by going to St. Andrew's Presbyterian Church (yes, church) to hear one of his friends be the music director there, playing the piano, organ and conducting the choir. The sermon was about being a living testament to your faith, as in action makes the best sermon. We met up with his friend at Chinook Centre (as Marc corrected me, not The Chinook Centre) and had sushi. Met up with CLACSTC people at The Kilkenny for dinner.

Day 5 Monday
He went to work in the morning again. He cooked us chicken over the open fire pit in his backyard. I think we watched the new Michael Moore docu-dramady Sicko that night. Oh, and I dyed his hair blue, 'cuz his roommate had some leftover from a previous adventure. Night drive out to Kananaski Country to see a billion stars.

Day 6 Tuesday
We went downtown, Chinatown, Mountain Equipment Coop, and the TD Tower/Bankers Hall mall, with a solarium garden on the fourth floor. He got a new cellphone, tossing a coin between green or purple, because I refused to let him buy black. Besides, the green goes with the blue hair. Things were going well, until I had a little panic attack that night. Well, I don't know if it was that for sure, since I've never had one before. Basically I was feeling extremely warm, drowsy, and couldn't catch my breath. It was pretty scary. More on that later.

Day 7 Wednesday
Quiet day, aftermath of above attack. I took a long walk, basically freaking out over the phone with sister and friend. He went to pick up his parents from the airport.

Day 8 Thursday
Went to brunch at Nellies with all the rooster deco with Marc. Sorted things out with Rob. Went to visit Marc at his work in the library in our fancy clothes, en route to dinner at Kensington. A view of downtown at night from a looking point.

Day 9 Friday
The Calgary Philharmonic Orchestra played a free, lunch concert at the Petro Canada Centre, so we went to go check that out. Went to say hello to his parents, who told us all about their trip, and took us out for ice cream. Dinner at his friend's house.

Day 10 Saturday
Packed, several tearful conversations later, drove to the airport. Flight delayed twice. Got home at 1:20am. Already miss him.

Thoughts
So I thought the anxiety was related to my uncertainty about relationships. Not this relationship in particular, but whether I am equipped to share my life with someone else. I mean, I know that I don't have the best track record in this department. But at some point you have to be a little introspective and wonder whether the problem lies within rather than without. I said that I thought something in me might be broken, and he asked whether he broke it. Maybe, I didn't say. Rather, I thought maybe I broke it, by being careless with my heart. I don't know how to feel. On the one hand, I miss him terribly. Undeniably, he has grown up. I have imposed a no-phone call rule until Christmas (part of the Find Myself in UK plan). On the later hand, I wonder whether I love him simply because he loves me. I suppose there are worse reasons to be with someone, but I'm not sure it's sufficient reason. Or because I just feel vindicated that this mess of our history can/has finally amounted to something. I feel my family may prove to be an insurmountable obstacle for this to progress any further. Even under the best circumstance it was going to be a hard sell. And these, my friends, are not the best. It will most certainly be impossible if I am not 100% certain that it is what I want, and am willing to defend.

In my head, I think in circles.
In my heart, I miss him so.

September Days

2007-09-03T18:12:00.000-06:00

It's a time, a place, a memory, a feeling. It fades into the background in everyday life, but comes rushing back at full force in the right context. Then it's as if you'd never left.

I moved my cousin back into residence today, at McMaster. I always smile when I do that turn on that highway, and the lake comes into view, 7 minutes before the exit to the school. I have done that drive a hundred times, and I would never tire of it. As soon as I turned into the university, I ran into a friend of mine, who now works there full time. Then the blasts of music come into earshot, and IT'S FROSH WEEK! Obviously I'm not one to party, but once upon a time I spent an entire summer planning welcome week for all the students in residence. Seeing how things were going today, the different groups in their brightly painted coveralls, the anticipation and thinly veiled apprehension of the first years... it's just great. I'll never forget how I felt at 17, moving my pillow into that all-girls hall. Nor at 20, watching 5000 students participate in the activities I planned. It's an awesome feeling.

I've been feeling a little sentimental already, this being my last year of school in the foreseeable future. But it's also weird to not be starting school with everyone else tomorrow. I have this lull of 3 weeks before leaving of England, while everyone will already be hitting the books. Well, let's be honest, buying the books, at least. I guess it prepares me for how it's going to feel next year, when September will just be another month in the routine of life. Or not, since God willing I would have started my articling job by then. I will miss the promise of the autumn breeze, fresh notebooks and back-to-school haircuts.

Until I have kids of my own.

he cancelled

2007-08-29T11:00:00.000-06:00

About an hour before we were suppose to meet. Problem solved. Except for the fact that he said the purpose of today was to discuss where we plan to go from here. Huh?? I thought we were done. He used the L word, and posted his half of an old picture of us, status: wishing to complete this picture. Oh God. Why do these boys never understand what they have 'til I'm SO DONE with it?

My "I thought this was over" relationship is getting in the way of my "it's complicated" relationship.

Let's go to the Ex!

2007-08-27T10:37:00.000-06:00

Sorry, that's from the commercial for the CNE, aka The Exhibition, but I'm talking about something entirely different here.

What is the rule on seeing the Ex? There must at least be guidelines, or recommended courses of action, right? If they really want to 'see you', and 'keep in touch', etc, what do you do? Do the same rules as for first dates apply? Well-lit places with a clear exit strategy, planted phone calls in case you need to escape, plus no touching under any circumstances? Help!

Science Centre

2007-08-24T10:08:00.000-06:00

Even though I was just there in May, I can never resist the geek in me to spend a day at the OSC. The Titanic Exhibit did not disappoint. At the entrance everyone is getting a White Star Line boarding pass, with a mini-bio of one of the passengers. Then you go through various rooms with artifacts and quotes, my favourite being Guggenheim's "We were dressed and prepared to go down like gentlemen". The eerie blue lights casted a glow of despair and doom at the part about the collision with the iceberg. There is an actual 'iceberg' there that you can touch. And at the end is a wall with all the names of the survivors and the lost, and you try to find out if the person on your ticket survived. Very well done. I may have to watch Leo & Kate's version soon again too.

Stardust
You have to go see this movie! And I guess it is a book too, so I'll be reading that.

where do I go from here?

2007-08-16T15:15:00.000-06:00

Cold Lake
Felt terribly sad leaving camp early on the eve of graduation. Cold Lake was fantastic this summer. Old friends, new friends, the familiar and the new and exciting. A job that allowed me to see all of the camp, instead of one particular course. The same anticipation as I felt nearly a decade ago now, when I first arrived at the camp. A place that molded and guided me into who I am today.

I used to take pictures of everything to make sure I'd remember. Now I know that I will never forget.

Interviews
What can I say? I had a total of 9 articling interviews this summer, and not a single job offer. I am feeling defeated. I don't know where to go from here. The chances of securing a government job after graduation is now all but gone. I thought I did well, at least for 3 of them. I don't know how to be different, or 'better'. What am I going to do now? I feel that it was foolish for me to hope, and be so happy when I found out about all the interviews I was going to. I feel that I have betrayed the kind words and encouragement of everyone at camp. I feel like I've let them down. I know that in the grand scheme of things, this is but a blip in my career. But right now all I can see is the blip as a chasm between me and happiness. I feel hollow.